Thursday, 20 September 2012

Superior to SAD

I’ve read a lot of diet books in my day.  Almost all the various authors point to the improvements they’ve made over the Standard American Diet (S.A.D). They sound proud.  Claiming superiority over the SAD diet is like saying "Drinking water is better than drinking hydrochloric acid" It goes without saying.  Water tastes better, and there is less of that excruciating burning sensation as you take a swig and melt your mouth with acid.  It’s like saying dogs make better pets than man-eating Komodo dragons. 

Anyone that has studied nutrition, even in the slightest amount, should eventually come to the conclusion that a diet based on science experiments like trans fats and genetically modified wheat, corn, and soy, refined to flours and sugars with added neurotoxic flavour enhancers like MSG disguised in 40 different words on the same label, mixed together into a gluey paste to wrap around the carcass of a factory farmed tortured and cancerous animal, deep fried in rancid vegetable oil and dipped in a sauce made with the pasteurized dairy of a perpetually pregnant and immobile grain fed cow, all preserved with chemicals with names so long and mysterious that attempting to say them out loud may or may not cast a voodoo spell on your neighbors… Yes we could probably do better than that diet. 

Authors that continue to claim superiority over the SAD diet should consider applying for the Captain Obvious position at the no f*ing shit factory.  A can of dog food over a salad 3 times a day is an improvement over the SAD diet.  Eating Twinkies might help you lose weight or keep you warm naked on mars, but they aren’t good for you. 

With that being said, I want to announce my new fitness regime.  It’s called “Walking” and it is superior to chaining yourself to a crooked chair and sitting in your closet.  It’s revolutionary.

So, diet authors, let’s stop comparing Mohammed Ali to a drunken baby with no arms.  It’s not a fair fight. Drunken babies are too quick.